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Illusion

One tear drop represents my long exhausting thoughts

Those wounded, bloodied thoughts represents a girl, distraught

I watched him as he tried to catch me in a hefty windfall

I hid in the hurricane ignoring the boy’s wordless call

 

Passion grew red in his eyes as he reached out his sturdy hand

My heart resisted as my hand reached out and pushed him back

Waves of common sense yearns to wrap me tight in all its bliss

And sink me to deserted shores surrounded in a shroud of mist

 

Physicality rejected by my heart’s friend rock and stone

May I be inlove or was I meant to live and die alone

Will he pierce through these walls and capture my heart’s core

Haul me out of these depths into this world like a girl reborn

 

I picture us together and form the conclusion

The love I’m destined for is merely an illusion

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No Soul

Hank hides down in the underground

Like a rattlesnake in pry

He thrives in the toxin compound

Watching New York citizen’s stroll by

 

He coughs in the smoke of dirt

Alert,

As he ponders what his future holds

The boss hands him a second roll

 

His low worth is killing him

So he inhales

Now, the buzz has bitten him

 

The room’s moving as if it’s taunting him

He coughs out phlegm, smokes another and enjoys the bliss

His inner wakes, he thinks his mind is seeing things

As doors close and unhinge

 

Dance around him, then shut him out

While the halls prod, guiding him south

What heart awaits at this very hall?

 

Answer?

 

Dead bodies plagued with a tread of souls

 

He falls in a hole

Empty, black, cold

He touches his cheek

His skin begins to carve away

His bones bend, soft and weak

 

Ghosts of his past taunt him as he fades

He bleeds of death

Stinks of erosion

His mind erupts

His lungs an explosion

 

What happened?

 

Unknowingly, the man gave it away

Let them set it aflame

He had a say

But Hank passed on the blame

Clinging to small, burning pride

He carried on down the hall emulating stride

 

On the way he fell in to hell

Stuck in a suffocating blacked out cell

It had been sold and he lost his mould

The man had lost his soul

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Good Health

Thick shutters distort the view

Blind eyes accustomed to the shade

Succumbed by the dark grey hue

Flickers of light begin to fade

 

Trapped in this endless faze

Contemplating the end

Again

Lost heart to the thoughts in my head

Again

Stuck in my ways

 

Distance hurts the soul and mind

A body deprived of love

A life that’s sustained by lies

A closed person in a box

 

They can’t get in, only I fit in this space

A bleak existence inside

A haggard face

A wasted life

 

Clouded in doubt

The freedom to spread my wings

To express my thoughts out loud

To truly live

 

I must wipe away these draining tears

Escape these new lows

 

Face the world, meet new peers

Shake off dark thoughts, these anchored woes

A former wilting flower I will be

This broken version of my true self

And eventually they’ll see

A girl in good health

Deadly Streets

Drugs supplied with ease

Like harmless sweets

Boys armed with deadly skills

Stabbing in the chest to kill

 

A trail of fatal crime

The end of multiple lives

 

It’s not safe these days

He learnt that the hard way

 

Yet another stabbing in the dark

A six inch stab wound straight into his heart

Drowning in his own, thick pool of blood

Light danced in his eyes from the street lights above

 

The man was stabbed three times in the gut

His neck throbbed from a puss filled, nasty cut

His whole life flashed before his eyes

The man realised he was losing his life

 

Leaving behind his Bajan wife

A student nurse, Mother and a solid nine

His two and three year old boy and girl

Two children that had meant the entire world

 

His Parent’s world turned upside down

When the next morning their son’s bloody corpse was found

They vowed that things needed to change

For the boys and girls to put their knives away

Introversion

Introversion

That’s my curse

Shy from day one of my birth

Eye contact is hard

It hurts

Conversation’s not my turf

 

Please don’t ask them who I am

They will never understand

I’m a unicorn on land

A stuck up girl that they can’t stand

 

Trapped in a shell

My own hell

You can’t tell

 

Despised to the bone

All alone

Not one positive thought 

That I own

 

Holed up in my cave

Where I feel safe

From their questioning gaze

Following my every trace

My Mistake

God I miss your smile

The one thing that made work worthwhile

Though I left I’m still in denial

I still dream of a life where you’re mine

You live inside my mind

Most of the time

I lost a dime

A merciless crime

 

I wanted to stay

But I couldn’t face scrutiny from peers daily

So I ran away

Hid my face in shame

I caved

I know I’m to blame

I’m stupid. Lame

And every single day

I remain ashamed

Of my mistake

My Trip to America!

2018-06-05 17.46.45I haven’t been on here for quite a while, but there’s actually a reason for that! This past week I took a little trip to North America! In doing that, I left my favoured hobby of writing behind for the last ten days or so, choosing to fully immerse myself in a whole new place.

It has always been one of my goals to visit the USA at least once in my lifetime and I managed to fulfil that dream! It was truly something I never imagined I could experience, so to actually travel to America was out of this world.

I basically went on one of those guided tours, perfect for solo travellers who did not wish to travel alone. I yearned to travel abroad, but with no one to travel with this was the most viable option for me. It took a lot of courage for me to book this trip in the first place. I did not think I was capable of travelling halfway across the world all on my lonesome. Seriously, I can barely look after myself at this point, so how was I going to cope in a place unfamiliar to me? Though I would be with other people once the tour began, I would still have to arrive at my destination and pre booked hotel on my own. Let’s not forget getting my butt onto a plane, despite having never being on a plane in all my 27 years. The week before my trip, the temptation to back out was strong. To stay in my small town and behind four walls where I was most comfortable. However, I already know that that’s no way to live. I was determined to see another part of the world while I was still young and able.

Both getting there and the trip itself was not easy. I’d best describe it as a rollercoaster ride full of ups and downs, the downs beginning before the tour even started! The first hurdle was getting through airport’s security. Not knowing much about how the whole system worked, quite a few products I had purchased for the trip had to be discarded by security. Insect repellant, suncream, my (very expensive) face cleanser. Money practically thrown down the drain because these products were over 100ml and products over 100ml could not be carried in hand luggage. I did not have time to go back down to the check-in point and have my holdall stored as hold luggage, since I was already running 10 minutes late of my boarding time. The woman at security, who wasn’t the nicest person in the world, told me that I might not make my flight because I was late. That set me off into a panic, as I power walked the aisles to the boarding point. Turns out I had nothing to worry about since my flight was delayed by over an hour, meaning I would have had time to check in my bag and keep my expensive products in the process.

That wasn’t even the worst part! As I have already mentioned, I had never been a plane before this point. I tried not to think about this prospect too much, but once I had sat at my seat and the plane swayed back and forth, engines revving to go, something took over. The plane hadn’t even taken off and my chest was uncomfortably tight, the air thin, my breaths insufficient. I was on the end of the middle aisle. The guy to my right was already asleep, the guy next to him face planted onto the tray table also getting some shut eye whilst I struggled to breath. I considered asking a hostess for some sort of gas mask, but how embarrassing would the vision of me breathing through a gas mask be on a plane full of people? I didn’t want to attract that sort of attention, so I suffered through it. I know it sounds extreme but I didn’t think I’d make it through the 11 hour flight. Luckily, after about half an hour on the plane, breathing was easier and my chest had loosened up (although there were periods my chest would tighten up again and breathing was a struggle). I think I must have been having some sort of panic attack without even realising it, something that I have been struggling with as of late.

Having already suffered on the plane, I had to get through US Customs. This took about two hours. Two hours of standing in a long queue that seemed to never end.  I was tired, sweaty, hungry and desperate for my hotel bed. Forget exploring Los Angeles a day before my tour started. I needed a good ol’ lie down!

Anyway I spent a week in America, exploring different states from LA and Arizona to Las Vegas and San Francisco. It was an adventurous week!
2018-06-09 20.42.54

On an Avengers: Infinity War High!

Superheroes galore! Oh joy!

I’ve never been someone who has been particularly into the whole Marvel Universe. I’m not filled to the brim with knowledge when it comes to Marvel’s superheroes, comic books or films. I am aware enough that I can identify the likes of Iron Man, Thor, Captain America or the ever popular Spiderman, but question me on the intricate plot details of the Marvel Universe and I would be at a loss.

When I first encountered the trailer for Avengers: Infinity war, I was most drawn to the inclusion of the characters from Guardians of the Galaxy. I have watched a few Marvel films. However, when I watched Guardians of the Galaxy, I fell inlove with the characters who were both funny and lovable, each with their own set of quirks that really brought the film to life. I love that these bunch of misfits could come together to save the universe and become a family in the process. I’d only really decided to give the film a try because the lead actor was Chris Pratt, one of the main protagonists in the blockbuster Jurassic World. (Jurassic Park is my favourite film, like, ever!)

With a familiarity and fondness for the Guardians of the Galaxy characters, I was intrigued to see their involvement in the third Avengers. Whilst I enjoyed the first Avengers, I wasn’t among those anticipating the release of Avengers: Infinity War.

I watched Avengers: Age of Ultron to prepare for the film itself, although I knew Infinity War was ultimately a culmination of 10 years of Marvel films.

Anyway, I didn’t exactly know what to expect from this film or if it would be any good. I’d read positive reviews about the film online, averting my eyes to spoilers along the way. Three weeks later I was in the movie theatre with my Mum, hot dog in hand, ready to watch the movie that everyone had been talking about. I had my doubts. Would I be able to understand what was going on, having not watched so many of the other films in the Marvel Universe? Without this prior knowledge, was it possible for me to enjoy this film? To be able to grasp the story that they were trying to tell? What about the characters? Would I need to understand their background before watching this film? So many questions. 

This film was epic. EPIC. Amazing. Inspiring. Just, magical. While there were definitely elements of the film that baffled me, or had no context because of my lack of knowledge, I simply loved this film! Oh my. My Mum loved it too and she had even less knowledge than me, since she had never watched any of the films. I won’t spoil it. All I’ll say is that there are so many little, funny moments and a bundle of action! One scene in particular gave me goosebumps. Two scenes actually. As for the ending….it was shocking. This was one of those films that was worth my money and the only film that me and my Mum loved so much that we went to see it for a second time. We have never done that before. Even when we have loved a film and had nothing but positive things to say, we have still not returned back for a second viewing. You know a film’s good when you get that urge to watch it again.

Watching Avengers: Infinity war has definitely inspired both me and my Mum to catch up on other Marvel films. As of this moment we have watched the first and second Avengers (Mum absolutely loved the first Avengers) and all 3 Thor movies. We are working our way through the other films, with Captain America being our next target.

And how epic is the Avengers theme? It makes me want to save the world!

My verdict: Avengers Infinity War is an epic movie that has begun my love for the movie franchise. I must watch them all!

Fear of You

There’s nothing worse than my mind

Paralysed by the fear of your eyes

Piercing through guarded walls

If they fall

What is left?

A girl with no defence

 

My deepest fears sprung to life

A disguise

Brought to light

Exposed as the Queen of lies

 

I’m scared

Unprepared

For he who dares

To break the seal of my heart

 

A human shark

Who’ll rip me up

And leave me broken apart

 

Stay away

Walking flame

Or I’ll be forced to run away

It’s the only way

I can stay sane

Being Lost in Life…

Hello friends! So, I haven’t been on here as much as of late! I’ve been away focusing on my work in progress, which is currently a small foetus the shape of a peanut. Honestly, working on what I hope to be my future novel is all I’ve really been doing. Well, that and procrastinating. Yes, procrastination is still very much a part of my life! Anyhow…

I’m going through one of those stages right now where I feel lost, like I don’t actually know what to do with my life! It’s a little scary, because at 27 years of age you’d think I’d have it figured out by now. When I look at various people on social media that are of a similar age or younger than me, or people that I know from school or college for instance, they seem to be further along in the life pole than I am. Whether they’re engaged, married, pregnant, have a child or have a good career for themselves, everyone around me seems to be going somewhere and moving along as you should, whilst I’m at a standstill, falling behind. I feel like the clock is ticking, I’m hardly at an age where I can continue to experiment with choices and play around. I’m three years off from hitting the big 30! Where did all of that time go?! My early and mid twenties! All that time passed me by and I still don’t know which direction to go! Damn.

I spend a lot of time thinking about life, the possibilities and what my future holds. Thinking is one of the things that I do best. I could win a competition on thinking because I spend more than half of my time doing just that… thinking, daydreaming and thinking some more. I spent a lot of time, more time than most people in education because that is where I felt the most secure. In college or at university, you have the security of the next 2-3 years of not having to worry too much about what comes next. Of course, it’s something that you will probably still think about, but personally, I spent most of my time in education focused on the assignments given, whether practical or theoretical.

In my final year of University, the panic began to settle in about what I could do after I finished my studies. Frantically, I’d browse indeed.com for possible jobs and careers, work experience, internships. The problem was, I never knew what career was right for me. I’d studied Music Technology and Radio Broadcasting, which I knew wasn’t the right course for me in my very first year of studying it. I carried on with my course however, as I felt like it was too late for me to back out. University is an expensive endeavour. It pained me to think of the cost of switching courses and starting a new course as a first year student all over again.

As an aspiring author with a love for writing, I figured that a career in something involving writing would be the most suitable for me. I looked up a lot of writing jobs, freelance writing, writing content. Nothing ever really stood out to me because the jobs advertised was never something I was ever passionate about writing. I browsed through copywriting jobs and editorial work but a lot of those jobs required years of experience.

It didn’t matter as these types of jobs never really appealed to me anyway. What else could I do though? I had no interest in Music Technology or Radio Broadcasting, the two subjects I spent three years of my life studying. There was no point in me applying for roles in any of these fields, as I had no passion for it. Plus, it wouldn’t be easy to apply for jobs in music or radio since it’s difficult to even get your foot through the door. That is, unless you are a determined individual who is passionate about a career in any of these subjects. That simply wasn’t me.

I thought about teaching English in Spain, which is something I deeply considered doing in the summer after completing my three year degree. I thought about teaching English in Japan for a year as I desperately wanted to visit Japan after uni, a place I have wanted to go to for many years now. I was put off however, after reading bad reviews from others that had spent time teaching in Japan. I mean, I don’t even know if it is something I could even do anyway at this stage of my life. If I was in my early twenties, I would be ready and willing to take upon this adventure of living in Japan for an extended amount of time. It’s probably not something I could do now.

I’ve been unemployed for the last few months, so it’s easy to become wrapped up in the head of my own thoughts which I have fallen victim to. I have become a bit of a hermit, so focused on working on my novel that I have forgotten the outside world that exists and still lives on, as I continue tap away on my keyboard. Tap Tap Tap.

What really sucks though is leaving behind the dream of living in London. I lived in London whilst at University and really hoped to stay there after I finished uni. Unfortunately it just wasn’t possible due to the lack of funds. I miss London. Maybe I will be back there someday, maybe not, who knows.

I’m sure I will figure it all out in time! It’s a slow process but I have hope. As long as I’m still here there’s always hope.

So… those are my thoughts, spilled out onto the page! A clear mind is a healthy mind! If you managed to get through this whole post, I applaud you! Thank you very much for reading! Much love.