A couple of weeks ago I had quite an eventful weekend. On the 17th and 18th of November, I spent all day volunteering for an event called Hyper Japan. This is an exhibition that brings… More
That’s my curse
Shy from day one of my birth
Eye contact is hard
Conversation’s not my turf
Please don’t ask them who I am
They will never understand
I’m a unicorn on land
A stuck up girl that they can’t stand
Trapped in a shell
My own hell
You can’t tell
Despised to the bone
Not one positive thought
That I own
Holed up in my cave
Where I feel safe
From their questioning gaze
Following my every trace
One tear drop represents my long exhausting thoughts
Those wounded, bloodied thoughts represents a girl, distraught
I watched him as he tried to catch me in a hefty windfall
I hid in the hurricane ignoring the boy’s wordless call
Passion grew red in his eyes as he reached out his sturdy hand
My heart resisted as my hand reached out and pushed him back
Waves of common sense yearns to wrap me tight in all its bliss
And sink me to deserted shores surrounded in a shroud of mist
Physicality rejected by my heart’s friend rock and stone
May I be inlove or was I meant to live and die alone
Will he pierce through these walls and capture my heart’s core
Haul me out of these depths into this world like a girl reborn
I picture us together and form the conclusion
The love I’m destined for is merely an illusion
Hank hides down in the underground
Like a rattlesnake in pry
He thrives in the toxin compound
Watching New York citizen’s stroll by
He coughs in the smoke of dirt
As he ponders what his future holds
The boss hands him a second roll
His low worth is killing him
So he inhales
Now, the buzz has bitten him
The room’s moving as if it’s taunting him
He coughs out phlegm, smokes another and enjoys the bliss
His inner wakes, he thinks his mind is seeing things
As doors close and unhinge
Dance around him, then shut him out
While the halls prod, guiding him south
What heart awaits at this very hall?
Dead bodies plagued with a tread of souls
He falls in a hole
Empty, black, cold
He touches his cheek
His skin begins to carve away
His bones bend, soft and weak
Ghosts of his past taunt him as he fades
He bleeds of death
Stinks of erosion
His mind erupts
His lungs an explosion
Unknowingly, the man gave it away
Let them set it aflame
He had a say
But Hank passed on the blame
Clinging to small, burning pride
He carried on down the hall emulating stride
On the way he fell in to hell
Stuck in a suffocating blacked out cell
It had been sold and he lost his mould
The man had lost his soul
Thick shutters distort the view
Blind eyes accustomed to the shade
Succumbed by the dark grey hue
Flickers of light begin to fade
Trapped in this endless faze
Contemplating the end
Lost heart to the thoughts in my head
Stuck in my ways
Distance hurts the soul and mind
A body deprived of love
A life that’s sustained by lies
A closed person in a box
They can’t get in, only I fit in this space
A bleak existence inside
A haggard face
A wasted life
Clouded in doubt
The freedom to spread my wings
To express my thoughts out loud
To truly live
I must wipe away these draining tears
Escape these new lows
Face the world, meet new peers
Shake off dark thoughts, these anchored woes
A former wilting flower I will be
This broken version of my true self
And eventually they’ll see
A girl in good health
Spoiled by the constant, daily dose of attention
Shy as a mouse, I was deprived of affection
You were my saviour
Until my shrewd behaviour
Lost you to the demons
Running rampant in my feelings
I’m drowning in sorrow, a thick cloud of depression
Now, anchored in my warped mind is a constant obsession
Of what could have been
I am someone who has become accustomed to writing with music on in the background. I generally opt for relaxing video game music on youtube, music designed for study. Study playlists. Sometimes, I switch it up and opt for a playlist of soothing film music. Other times, I may turn to Spotify in search of the perfect playlist to prepare me for a writing session.
This is not to say that I can’t write without music. There are times where I simply cannot be bothered to search for music or choose write in silence. With that being said, I believe there are a few pros and cons to writing with music playing in the background.
- Playing music in the background helps to get me in the zone. Once I have found a study/relaxing playlist, I am ready to write. It can be hard for me to break away from procrastinating when I am on my laptop and in a way, searching for music is just more procrastination, but it helps me to focus on the task at hand, the writing session that looms around the corner.
- When I have music on, I am less likely to get distracted by noises in the background. Whilst I am able to write in complete silence, external noises and sounds may otherwise interfere with my writing.
- I think playing music is a useful way for me to see how long I have been writing for, by checking the amount of time a playlist has been running. It is more motivating for me to work in this way, rather than just simply checking the time.
- Whilst music helps me to focus, it can also be distracting. If something familiar is playing, my mind sometimes wanders until I find myself daydreaming about something completely unrelated to the work in front of me. Personally, it helps when I have a playlist that I have no personal connection to and am unfamiliar with.
- In relation to my first point, there have been a few times where a soundtrack has caught my attention. Before I know it, I am looking up the name of the song and undertaking research that has nothing to do with my work in progress. Naturally this takes away from precious writing time.
- It’s very easy for me to get lost in time, as I browse through various playlists until I find one that I want to listen to for the day. This is time that could have been spent writing.
- Becoming too used to writing with music can be a bit of a handicap at times where music may not be viable choice.
Despite my affinity for writing with music, I do also enjoy writing in silence. I find that when I write without music, I am more focused on every detail within the stories that I write. My senses are heightened, if you will.
I was recently was nominated for a Liebster Award by fellow blogger Darnell Cureton. This is the first award I have been nominated for on here so many thanks to Darnell, it is very much appreciated. If, like me you hadn’t previously heard of the Liebster Award, you can find some background info here ——> Official Rules of the Liebster Award 2018.
Alright, so on to the questions I’ve been nominated to answer!
Why are you passionate about blogging?
I enjoy having a platform where I am able to fully express myself through words. Verbally, it can be difficult for me to open up and express myself to others, particularly people I do not know well. It is much easier for me to express myself through words and having this platform has given me the opportunity to do that. What I particularly like about wordpress is that it feels a bit like a community. As an aspiring author and poet hobbyist, it is nice to be able to read others creative works whilst working on my own projects.
Would you rather be a well-known but penniless supermodel, or an unknown millionaire? Why?
Definitely an unknown millionaire. I remember having this conversation with my Mum a while back. She asked me if I’d rather be famous with no money, or rich without the fame. When I was younger, I considered fame a form of acceptance. A way to be appreciated and loved by many. An affirmative that I was worthy. However, fame does not appeal to me so much anymore. A lot of people who I respect and admire and who are millionaires are known for their work behind the scenes. There’s this one talented producer who has created many hit, pop songs and has millions in the bank and yet, if you mentioned his name or showed a picture of him, the majority people would not even know who he was.
If you had the ability to turn your dreams into a Hollywood movie, what would it be about?
One of the novels I am working on is a fantasy adventure, which I often think about in a cinematic way. I play out scenes in my head, the scenery, characters and story coming alive in my own mind as I write. To be honest, seeing any of my books as a Hollywood movie would be a dream come true.
You have the ability to redo something in history. What would it be?
This is a difficult one. There are so many terrible things that have happened in history that I could redo and change for the better. If I could redo something in my life though, it would be to have chosen a degree more closely aligned to my career aspirations, such as creative writing.
You are alone on a tropical island for 1 year without clothes, just food and water, but you can bring 1 thing. What would it be? Why?
I would say my MacBook so I could write and continue to work on my stories. If there was no electricity though then that would make this question a lot more difficult. I guess I would bring a book on how to survive on a tropical island for a year. Seems like it would be useful for the occasion.
Once again, thank you to Darnell for the nomination, I enjoyed answering these questions!
The rules are to nominate other people and think up some questions for them to answer. I’ve been struggling with this and for some reason I cannot for the life of me think of any (genuinely good) questions. If anyone wants to participate feel free, just check the Official Rules of the Liebster Award at the beginning of this post and you’re set to go. 🙂
Hello! First of all, before I begin, I’d just like to thank those of you that follow me, read, have liked or commented on any of my posts as I have reached 50 followers! Hurrah! It may seem like pittance to those with a large amount of followers, but it genuinely means a lot to me so thank you!
Back on topic, writing has helped me tremendously throughout the years and has become a large part of my life. A day without writing is one of unease. It’s almost alien to me, as I have become accustomed to writing daily. When I am not writing or working on one of my novels I often daydream, playing out scenes in my head, my characters forming a life of their own. If I am away from home, I long to return to my laptop so I can continue to develop my works in progress. The longer I am away, the stronger this urge becomes. It’s both a blessing and a curse.
Writing is something that I have always considered a hobby. It still is a hobby of mine of course, but these last few months I been taking my hobby a little more seriously. Not to say that I wasn’t before, but this is truly the career path I dream of and there’s nowhere else I’d rather end up in life. This is it. It always has been, only I had been living in denial for years.
These are just some of the ways that writing has helped me personally throughout the years.
Has Helped Me Through Dark Times
It’s funny to think of how much I’ve turned to writing during times of emotional stress and difficulty. After many false starts at writing my very first draft many years ago, I’d only managed to write from beginning to end during a particular emotional period. Somehow, feeling all sorts of down motivated me to complete a first draft over the course of a few months. It’s the same scenario with a journal I started to write in 2012. Had I have not been bottling up all of my feelings, I wouldn’t have thought to create a journal, which in turn has helped me tremendously to improve my writing skills. We all have our vices to help us get through dark times and writing just happens to be one of mine.
A Way to Express Myself
Writing is such a great way to express yourself in my opinion and in particular, writing fiction. Your subconscious thoughts, views, traits, inspirations, loves, hates and so forth finds its way into your works of fiction, which makes a novel so personal and unique to its author. A novel is personal because it represents you and the way you see the world, which is why I hold it so close to my heart.
Has Given My Life Meaning and Purpose
Writing has given me something to work towards, a meaning and purpose in this life. It gives me a long term goal of completing several works of fiction and eventually seeking publication through a traditional publisher. I love the art of story-telling and the hidden messages it carries beneath the surface, which can often be inspirational. Writing gives me a chance to be creative, express myself and convey a message I hope to reach readers one day (a girl can dream!)
Something to Focus On
I have such an active mind and imagination, that it’s very easy for me to get lost in all of the things that really don’t matter so much in life. I mull over mistakes that I have made too much and I hate myself for it, knowing that I am not able to go back in time and change things. I sometimes drive myself into a state of sadness thinking about all of the things that I am simply not able to fix.
Writing gives me something meaningful to focus on, a healthy distraction. When I am writing, I realise that none of the other stuff matters so much. I am working on my own goals, towards something bigger and fulfilling. Things like drama and meaningless gossip doesn’t matter. My negative thoughts become irrelevant.
These are just some of the ways that writing has helped me personally. Once again, thank you to any of those that had read any one of my blog posts, liked or followed, it’s very much appreciated!
The ice cold fizz was refreshing as I gulped down a large chug of redbull. Neck back, eyes closed, my insides tingled as the cool liquid made its way into my chest, cooling me down a little from the night’s summer heat. I leant forward on my desk towards my static mini fan, perched on the edge of my desk. My eyes were closing in on themselves.
Snap out of it.
I forced myself to sit up straight. From left to right, I scanned the numeracy books scattered across my desk and sighed. Once again I’d made a foolish decision and left studying for my maths test until the very last minute. Literally. My test was first thing in the morning, 9am on the dot and I hadn’t revised a single thing. I was screwed, big time.
I rolled my eyes just thinking about the mental pain and exhaustion I’d be forced to work through as I wrapped my head around the algebra, timetables and multiplications I had yet to study, before I could finally tuck myself away under my duvet and fall into a deep sleep. My eyes scanned the pink clock hanging above my bedroom door. 10:30pm.
Already halfway through my can of red bull, I drunk a little more, the sweet smell comforting and yet a little nauseating. It wasn’t half bad, but the energy boost still hadn’t kicked in yet.
I’d never drunk red bull before, but my Dad was practically an addict. He kept about six cans of redbull in the side compartment of the fridge. Desperate for something to help me get through this night, I stole one of his cans from the fridge and chugged it down.
“Red bull give me strength,” I mumbled as my eyes closed involuntarily.
I must have actually fallen asleep, as my sweaty cheek was stuck to a page of my notebook when I next opened my eyes. A jolt of energy shot through my body like a sound wave. I sat up straight, alert, eyes wide open.
“Shit, what time is it?”
My eyes instinctively darted to the clock. Almost 12am.
I picked up a pen next to my notebook and glared at the notes I’d written down. Words swirled like spirals, coloured dots dancing in front of my eyes.
The room begun to spin, twist and turn, my stomach heavy like an anchor had invaded my insides. I pursed my lips shut, feeling a tidal wave of nausea swarm over me. I pressed my mouth against my lips and tightened my stomach, desperate not to throw up, but sick climbed to the back of my throat and lingered.
I stumbled to my feet, one hand clinging to the edge of my desk, the other on the rail of my chair. I pushed my chair back and it fell to the floor as I lunged for my bedroom’s door handle, using all of my weight to pull the door open.
My stomach was bubbling, an uncomfortable heat warming my insides as I crouched to the bathroom adjacent to my room. I practically crawled to the toilet seat on my hands and knees and held my head over the toilet bowl. With one squeeze of my chest I released the contents of my stomach, hurling the steak and chips I’d eaten for dinner into the toilet.
I took a deep breath, the warm bubbles in my stomach cooling to a sizzle. I guess the red bull was a bad idea. Looks like I won’t be having that again.
As I leant my back against the toilet seat, I realised that my limbs were shaking, my legs jiggling up and down uncontrollably. I wrapped my arms tightly around my legs to stop them from shaking and planted my face in between my knees.
Something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until I wiped the hot sweat that ran down my nose and to my cheeks. I lifted my arms to see a patch of sweat under my arm pits, then I felt in between my legs, the insides of my thighs completely soaked. I was uncomfortably hot.
Washing my face with cold water did nothing to deter the heat that was arising within my body at an alarming rate.
I need some air.
I gripped my fingers around the stair rail as I lumbered down the stairs. My hands were burning and the sweat on my skin turned into steam. I panicked, short breaths escaping my lips as dots danced in front of my eyes again. What is happening to me?
My bare arms were actually turning beetroot pink by the time I’d reached the bottom of the stairs and across the hall to the backdoor. I slid my hand under the fuzzy, caramel mat in front of the door and pulled a set of keys from under it.
“Come on,” I said through gritted teeth as I fumbled through the set of keys to find the right one. I struggled to concentrate, my skin now burning. I needed cold air, now.
As soon as I unlocked the door, I flung it open and rolled head first onto cool, wet grass, a welcome cool air brushing against my face. My skin hissed.
Arms spread out, I lay on the ground for a while, allowing the wetness of the grass to soak into my skin and cool me down. I can’t stay out here, I need to study.
As I rolled onto my hands and knees, a sharp jolt of pain shot through my spine. I bit my bottom lip to muffle the scream that threatened to escape my mouth, the pain stabbing at my upper spine. I arched my back, fingers digging into the grass, my toes curling.
Something sharp in my back pierced through my skin. I let out the scream I’d been holding and ripped the grass and mud from under me. My skin stretched and tore apart and I threw my head back, clenching my teeth to stop myself from screaming again. All I could do was mentally pray for someone powerful above to stop this nightmare.
“It is you.”
I heard a delicate, faint voice from somewhere. Blinking the building tears from my eyes, I saw a small girl, about 4ft tall and dressed in white, standing in the corner of the garden from the shadows. She tentatively stepped towards me.
I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t find the words, the pain still physically abusing me.
“The one with the power, it is you,” she said. Her voice was calm, almost harmonious.
The girl carried a look of curiosity and innocence as she leant over and reached her thin arm out behind me.
“Your wings. So beautiful. So precious.”
I turned to look behind me, a dull ache in my spine. Thick, white feathery wings leisurely flapped up and down as the girl stroked the wings like some sort of treasured cat. I quickly realised that the wings were coming out of me, from the back of my spine. The air around me grew thin, my breaths laboured.
“Redbull gives wings to the ones they believe is worthy. One with the potential to lead a nation from the skies beyond.”
She reached out her small hand. After some hesitation I grabbed it, scrambling to my feet.
“You must come with me chosen one. Your kingdom awaits.”
You sought a girl with minor issues
Someone forward who’ll hold and tease you
Released sprinkles of daily affection
Unaffected by deep depression
A girl that showered you with kisses
Who always talked and rarely listened
A bold and vibrant personality
A mind as clear as the sea
In your future you could never foresee
Falling for a bipolar opposite like me
I have always used Microsoft Word to write and have been using it for quite a while to plan and craft my novels. It’s the default software that I am sure most of us have become accustomed to using and it’s something that I have grown up with. At home, I’d been using Open Office Writer for many years, the free alternative to Microsoft Word, then Pages once I hopped on the Mac train. Still, these are both similar software to Microsoft Word and work in pretty much the same way with minor differences. I have many documents of various novels, hundreds of pages and word counts that reach the six digits. That’s a lot of finger tapping on my keyboard.
The ideas stage of writing is great and perhaps my favourite part of the writing process. Ideas fly into my head as I am writing, my fingers on fire as I write multiple pages of half baked ideas. Before I know it, I have this large document of ideas written down in a scrambled heap.
As great as Microsoft Word can be, it can become more difficult to manage when trying to organise those ideas into some sort of structure. I attempted to tackle this issue by creating a new document for the ideas that I wanted to use, skimming out the excess material. I headlined sections dedicated to the plot, characters, world and so forth, but once again, the document would grow larger, new ideas formulating day by day and it would become unmanageable. Everyday, I’d dread opening up my document because I’d have to scroll down pages of writing, just to get to the section I wanted to work on. With pages adding up to multiple figures, it can get quite intimidating just looking at the document that sits in front of you. It just wasn’t working for me as an efficient way to organise my ideas.
Searching for New Writing Software
When searching for new writing software to use, Scrivener had popped up quite a few times, software designed to help plan and structure long form stories. I was swayed by the fairly positive reviews it had received from Scrivener users, although Scrivener was not free. However, it offered a free trial that you could use up to 30 days, so I downloaded it onto my laptop to test it out.
When I initially tried Scrivener I did not take to it that well. I think I was intimidated by the complexity of it all, which can be hard to take upon first appearances.
After giving it a couple of more goes, I have warmed to Scrivener and actually prefer the software to Microsoft Word. It has become an easier and much more enjoyable way to work on my works in progress, breaking down sections of my word documents into manageable parts that are easy to find on the system. Character, Chapters and Locations for instance have their own folders, which you can add your own files to. It makes it very easy to click to the section that you need and want to work on, rather than scrolling down multitudes of pages. On top of that, you are also able to add your own folders to adjust the project to your liking, which all appear in the binder on the left side of your project.
I think one of the best things about Scrivener is that you can write a little synopsis of each scene using index cards. You can write scenes with the synopsis at the right hand corner of the screen to keep track of what is happening, which I think is really useful. I love the option to split screens horizontally or vertically and as I’ve said, it’s so easy to go to the desired section to work on.
Another thing to mention is that you can import files into Scrivener, something I did not discover until I messed around with the software. By importing my WIP’s word document into Scrivener, it made it easy for me to copy ideas from my document and onto my Scrivener project.
Though Scrivener seemed complicated to use initially, using this software has made it easier to manage and work on my novels. I would definitely recommend Scrivener to those that are thinking of using writing software to aid them in the novel writing process.