Being Lost in Life…

Hello friends! So, I haven’t been on here as much as of late! I’ve been away focusing on my work in progress, which is currently a small foetus the shape of a peanut. Honestly, working on what I hope to be my future novel is all I’ve really been doing. Well, that and procrastinating. Yes, procrastination is still very much a part of my life! Anyhow…

I’m going through one of those stages right now where I feel lost, like I don’t actually know what to do with my life! It’s a little scary, because at 27 years of age you’d think I’d have it figured out by now. When I look at various people on social media that are of a similar age or younger than me, or people that I know from school or college for instance, they seem to be further along in the life pole than I am. Whether they’re engaged, married, pregnant, have a child or have a good career for themselves, everyone around me seems to be going somewhere and moving along as you should, whilst I’m at a standstill, falling behind. I feel like the clock is ticking, I’m hardly at an age where I can continue to experiment with choices and play around. I’m three years off from hitting the big 30! Where did all of that time go?! My early and mid twenties! All that time passed me by and I still don’t know which direction to go! Damn.

I spend a lot of time thinking about life, the possibilities and what my future holds. Thinking is one of the things that I do best. I could win a competition on thinking because I spend more than half of my time doing just that… thinking, daydreaming and thinking some more. I spent a lot of time, more time than most people in education because that is where I felt the most secure. In college or at university, you have the security of the next 2-3 years of not having to worry too much about what comes next. Of course, it’s something that you will probably still think about, but personally, I spent most of my time in education focused on the assignments given, whether practical or theoretical.

In my final year of University, the panic began to settle in about what I could do after I finished my studies. Frantically, I’d browse for possible jobs and careers, work experience, internships. The problem was, I never knew what career was right for me. I’d studied Music Technology and Radio Broadcasting, which I knew wasn’t the right course for me in my very first year of studying it. I carried on with my course however, as I felt like it was too late for me to back out. University is an expensive endeavour. It pained me to think of the cost of switching courses and starting a new course as a first year student all over again.

As an aspiring author with a love for writing, I figured that a career in something involving writing would be the most suitable for me. I looked up a lot of writing jobs, freelance writing, writing content. Nothing ever really stood out to me because the jobs advertised was never something I was ever passionate about writing. I browsed through copywriting jobs and editorial work but a lot of those jobs required years of experience.

It didn’t matter as these types of jobs never really appealed to me anyway. What else could I do though? I had no interest in Music Technology or Radio Broadcasting, the two subjects I spent three years of my life studying. There was no point in me applying for roles in any of these fields, as I had no passion for it. Plus, it wouldn’t be easy to apply for jobs in music or radio since it’s difficult to even get your foot through the door. That is, unless you are a determined individual who is passionate about a career in any of these subjects. That simply wasn’t me.

I thought about teaching English in Spain, which is something I deeply considered doing in the summer after completing my three year degree. I thought about teaching English in Japan for a year as I desperately wanted to visit Japan after uni, a place I have wanted to go to for many years now. I was put off however, after reading bad reviews from others that had spent time teaching in Japan. I mean, I don’t even know if it is something I could even do anyway at this stage of my life. If I was in my early twenties, I would be ready and willing to take upon this adventure of living in Japan for an extended amount of time. It’s probably not something I could do now.

I’ve been unemployed for the last few months, so it’s easy to become wrapped up in the head of my own thoughts which I have fallen victim to. I have become a bit of a hermit, so focused on working on my novel that I have forgotten the outside world that exists and still lives on, as I continue tap away on my keyboard. Tap Tap Tap.

What really sucks though is leaving behind the dream of living in London. I lived in London whilst at University and really hoped to stay there after I finished uni. Unfortunately it just wasn’t possible due to the lack of funds. I miss London. Maybe I will be back there someday, maybe not, who knows.

I’m sure I will figure it all out in time! It’s a slow process but I have hope. As long as I’m still here there’s always hope.

So… those are my thoughts, spilled out onto the page! A clear mind is a healthy mind! If you managed to get through this whole post, I applaud you! Thank you very much for reading! Much love.


The Woes of Being an Introvert

This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Sometimes, usually when listening to music, I become absorbed in my own little world, reflecting on past times, situations and general experiences that have happened to me. Following these thoughts come mistakes and regrets, regrets so deep it can be painful. If I could go back in time to correct my past mistakes and inaction, it is most certainly a chance I would take.

It all comes back to introversion, my personality trait. Since I was young, going all the way back to nursery years, I have been introverted. I’d had crippling shyness back then too. I could barely speak to people I didn’t know. My hands would shake uncontrollably in close proximity to strangers. If someone asked me a question, I’d nod my head for yes or shake my head for no. If questions didn’t require a yes or no response, I’d give one word answers, keeping my eyes firmly on the ground. This affected me well into my teens, perhaps until I was about 18 or so. Even so, introversion has stayed with me my whole life.

At University I’d taken a radio broadcasting course. Even before my three year degree, I’d volunteered at an online radio station for a year. One of my biggest hindrances has been my confidence and presenting my own radio show helped with that. Undertaking radio was a way to fight my introverted urges and to be like ‘the rest of society’. In this world where extroverted beings shine above the rest, it’s difficult not to feel like you don’t belong and it’s beyond easy to be misunderstood by those around you. Being an introvert has meant that people have mistaken me for unfriendly or rude, making a judgement of dislike for me before even speaking to me, often never uttering one word to me in the whole time of knowing one another. I’ve been hated simply for choosing to ignore individuals and conflict and knowing this has greatly affected me at times. Verbally I do not express myself well, but emotionally, my heart and soul aches for the misunderstandings that can be caused by my personality type.

I saw being an introvert as a negative thing. I still do in a way. It is because of my introversion that my feelings are easily mistaken or overlooked, possible relationships have passed me by, friendships have wiltered, and opportunities lost its way in the wilderness.

But… being an introvert is not all bad. If it wasn’t for my introverted traits, I wouldn’t have been so drawn to the writing world and in particular, the art of storytelling. My ultimate dream is to be an author, to write fiction for a living. Where I lack in verbal communication, I make up for in words and writing is my way of expressing myself. For so long, I have blamed introversion for my mistakes. ‘If only I was more outgoing and confident and assertive! I’d have more going for me!’ 

What I have to accept is that I was made differently. I must embrace who I am and use my introversion as a strength instead of a weakness. In time, I hope it will be the making of me.

Thank you for reading! Be sure to follow me on twitter @TallyTails for updates on blog posts!